


cut my knees and leave me at the door

by ShyAudacity



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comforting Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has Bad Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, M/M, Post-Episode: s04e04 9-1-1 What's Your Grievance?, Season/Series 04, Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:28:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29333079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: Everything is happening in stop motion, just like all the action movies he watched as a kid. First, he's in the burning building where everything is coming down around him. Then a second later he's sitting on the back of the ambulance with Bobby at his side without any words being shared between them. Buck blinks again and suddenly he's in the front seat of a pick-up, staring down at his hands in the dark.His breath comes back to him as he picks his head up.ORA Buck Begins speculation fic. Spoilers for 4x04.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 318





	cut my knees and leave me at the door

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yawnralphio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawnralphio/gifts), [Nearly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nearly/gifts).



> I started this before 4x04 aired and then it fucked me up emotionally and I had no choice but to finish it. For Griffin and Beck, for being good betas and even better friends. 
> 
> Title from Blood Ballet by Maggie Rogers.

Everything is happening in stop motion, just like all the action movies he watched as a kid. First, he's in the burning building where everything is coming down around him. Then a second later he's sitting on the back of the ambulance with Bobby at his side without any words being shared between them. Buck blinks again and suddenly he's in the front seat of a pick-up, staring down at his hands in the dark.

He feels hot all over like he just walked out of a fire or started running a fever. Maybe both.

 _It's not a department vehicle,_ he tells himself. _Those always smell like stale sandwiches and smoke. And I'd be in the ambulance if I was going to the hospital, so-._

His breath comes back to him as he picks his head up. The road is empty in front of him; the clock at the edge of his vision says it's going on four in the morning. He's not in his uniform anymore either. When did he have time to get dressed during all of this? He doesn’t even remember going back to the station let alone if he showered or not.

"Buck?" Eddie says from next to him because _of course_ he's the one who would take Buck home. "You alright?"

"I don't know how I got here," he says because it's true and nothing makes sense right now. His throat feels like he swallowed a mouthful of sand and that scares the hell out of him.

Eddie's voice is gentle over the hum of the car. "We got called to a warehouse fire. Bobby said both of us could go home after the call- didn’t seem like you were in the headspace to drive yourself home.”

_He’s probably right. I could hardly tell you what day it is right now let alone drive myself home. What happened at that fire- wait, no. Don’t go there. Bad idea._

“Okay,” Buck says, even though it’s nearly impossible to hear him. He looks down at his hands again, flexing his fingers. Maybe it’s the lack of light or the low buzzing coming from just behind his ear, but something doesn’t feel right. Something is _wrong_ about all of this, he just can’t place it.

Hell, maybe something is wrong with _him_. Wouldn’t be the first time that something broke inside of him and he didn’t know how to fix it.

“Did I go to the hospital?”

“No,” Eddie replies. “Hen and Chimney checked you out at the scene, said you were fine, just a little beat up with some smoke inhalation. Nothing bad enough to warrant an emergency room visit. Why? Does something hurt?”

Buck can’t stop staring at his hands. It doesn’t even feel like they’re attached to him. “I don’t… I don’t think I’m here right now.”

“I promise you are, Buck. I’m here with you.” Eddie’s hand closes over Buck’s forearm and he can’t help the noise that comes out of his mouth, high pitched and breathy from the sudden warmth. It’s different from the heat he was feeling a minute ago; gentle opposed to suffocating. His eyes flit to Eddie’s hands, wondering how Eddie could be touching him right now when he feels so far away.

Buck can’t bring himself to look at Eddie’s face. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it if he looked up and Eddie wasn’t actually there.

“Let’s go inside, yeah?” Eddie says, voice soft as ever.

It’s only then that Buck realizes that they’re parked outside of his apartment building. He wondered why everything had stopped moving. In a weird way, he wishes they were at Eddie’s house instead; he likes it better there. Harder to get lonely when someone else is around.

Eddie pulls his hand away in favor of reaching for his car door and Buck misses the touch instantly. His numb legs pull him out of the car under the guise of seeking the warmth out again.

Eddie stays at Buck’s side, brushing against his arm in the hallway. He’s glad that he gave Eddie a key all those months ago because Buck is sure he couldn’t make his hands work even if he wanted to right now. The apartment is dim save for the light over the stove- the one that he always leaves on so it’s not pitch black when he comes home from a late shift. Eddie hits the light switch behind as the door shuts and the loft floods with light. Buck winces against the sudden brightness.

Maybe it’s just the day he’s having or the odd buzzing still coming from somewhere in his head, but it doesn’t _feel_ like his apartment. On some level, he knows it is, but it all feels foreign to him.

Eddie’s hand finds the small of his back and Buck can’t stop himself from leaning into it. There’s a fire building under his skin where Eddie is touching him, the smallest of tethers to everything that’s happening around him. 

“What do you want right now, Buck?”

More than anything, Buck wishes he could make this _stupid_ body work the way it’s supposed to and conjure up all the words that are clouding his senses. He swears he can hear Bobby calling for him over the radio asking for a location- wanting to know how bad it is and if he has a way out or not-.

Buck thinks that he must lose time again because the next thing he knows he's standing in the bathroom. There are clean clothes in his hand and the shower is running next to him, steam just starting to fill the room. He can still feel Eddie nearby even though he’s not within arms reach anymore.

“Are you steady enough to stand in the shower? Or do you want me in there with you?”

_I want you all the time. I feel less like myself when you’re not around._

“I can do it, just…” he doesn’t know how to say this without feeling like a child. “Maybe just, stay in the room with me- for if I fall.”

“Whatever you need, Buck.”

Eddie steps out for a minute while Buck gets undressed as if all of this isn’t something that he’s seen before. Buck’s arms feel like they’re made of lead as he shrugs himself out of his clothes; he tries not to look down at himself, still unsure if all of this is really happening or not. The spray of the shower snaps all of his senses to attention. He feels like he just came out of a twenty-year sleep, hell, maybe he did. Maybe that would explain why everything feels so out of place.

Try as he might, all he can manage to do is stand under the stream of water, leaning heavily against the wall. Maybe he should’ve had Eddie come in here with him after all; maybe then he could actually get cleaned up. Shit, Eddie.

“You doing alright in there, Buck?”

He didn’t even hear Eddie come back in. Buck can just barely see him in his peripherals, sitting on the bathroom counter like he belongs there; everything is distorted through the glass and steam, but he thinks Eddie is watching him. He hopes he is; Eddie always looks at him like he’s doing something worth watching. 

A strange chill rushes down Buck’s spine and he steps away from the water, his heavy hand dropping onto the shower handle and cutting the stream completely. Water drips from his hair and nose as he slides the door back to reach for his towel. He presses the soft fabric into his face, wishing for a minute that he could crawl inside of it and never come out.

He stands there for another minute before tucking the towel around his waist and trying to get out and he can’t even do that without nearly face planting. Eddie is there in a second, his arms going around Buck’s waist and steadying him again. 

“Easy, _easy_ , I got you.”

Eddie’s hand curls around his forearm again and this time Buck can’t help but look at him. It’s a staggering way to return to reality, the concern and warmth clear as day on Eddie’s face. It splits something wide open in Buck; he can’t hold onto it any longer if he tried. His voice fails him unsurprisingly as he tries to make words come out.

“ _Eddie_ ,” he whines, his eyes burning. “Eddie, I don’t- nothing makes sense, I don’t _understand_.” 

Eddie’s eyes never leave his, they’re inviting and careful through and through. His other hand finds Buck’s shoulder, his thumb ghosting over the pulse point on his neck. “Are you with me right now?”

Buck nods; he doesn’t know _how_ exactly, but he is _here_. His knees are quaking underneath him and he knows he won’t be able to hold himself up much longer.

“Let me help, alright? I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to you Buck, I promise.”

Buck holds onto Eddie for dear life as he goes through the motions of getting dried off and dressed. Eddie ends up doing half of the work and Buck can’t even bring himself to be embarrassed by all of it. Before long, he’s in a hoodie and sweatpants, trudging his way up the stairs to his bed.

Eddie doesn’t take his hands off of him even once and Buck is a thousand kinds of grateful for it. He manages to get a handful of Eddie’s shirt, tugging him onto the bed next to him. Buck doesn’t bother with the covers, not when he’s got Eddie right here to keep him warm.

Eddie's arm comes around Buck's waist as Buck curls into his chest. The buzzing in his head finally dissipates as he gets comfortable; Eddie's t-shirt is soft against Buck's cheek and he burrows into it. His eyes are growing heavy- he can't remember how long it's been since he got decent sleep. If he tilted his head back even an inch, he’d be able to see the beginnings of sunlight coming in through his windows.

Buck gasps again when Eddie’s hand splays out over his lower back, right where his sweatshirt is riding up; he can’t help it. Eddie just does something to him.

_I hope he holds me like this more often. Makes all of the bad days worth it._

Eddie’s free hand smooths over the back of Buck’s head and he presses back into it. “You gonna be okay?”

Buck shrugs because it’s the best he’s got right now. Maybe it’s better that he doesn’t remember anything from the fire, or even before that. There are pieces of it floating around in his head, mostly just Bobby’s voice and pieces of his last conversation with Maddie- but he can’t make sense of any of it.

“Are you staying?” Buck hears himself say it more than he feels it. He’s not even sure the words were audible, but Eddie holds onto him tighter either way so he thinks he got the point across. 

“I’ve got nowhere to be,” Eddie says over the top of Buck’s head. “And I wanna be wherever you are, no matter where that is.”

 _That might not go over as well as you think it will, but I appreciate the sentiment._ Buck settles into the bed as well as Eddie’s arms, content to stay here as long as the world will let him.

In the morning- or whatever time it is when he wakes- he only wants to remember this. Not the fire, or the conversation with Maddie, or whatever other bad thing happened today. Just that Eddie held him. That they were both here- and that’ll be enough. 

He’s not as foggy in the morning but _god_ does he ache. Buck sits up in bed with a pain in his chest that he's all too familiar with and an empty space next to him. His bad leg cramps up when he moves; definitely didn't do his stretches yesterday like he should have. Buck grimaces and forces himself to move even though it hurts. He should get up, try and make himself something before dragging his tired body to work and-

Then, the smell of toast and something else wafts up from the kitchen and Buck remembers that he's not alone after all. 

Pieces of last night come back slowly. Being in the truck with Eddie and trying to figure out how he got from one place to another. Eddie holding him up after the shower and then again in bed- caring for him in a way that his parents never could even if they tried. 

His parents. _Goddammit_. 

Buck's next breath catches in his chest and the ache intensifies. He grips the handrail tightly as bits of their conversation echo in his head and threatens to overwhelm him. 

_Love me anyway. How hard could that possibly be._

Eddie is standing at the stove when Buck finally makes it downstairs. There's a small stack of toast on the plate next to him; whatever he's stirring smells like brown sugar and honey. 

Eddie looks over his shoulder as he cuts the heat from the stove. "Hey, I made oatmeal, you feel like eating?" 

He turns back to the pot on the stove and Buck's hand twitches at his side. Eddie has always been so good to him; he can't imagine what he did to deserve it but he's grateful all the same. 

Buck walks up to Eddie and presses his chest to Eddie's back, slipping his arms around Eddie's waist and holding him tightly. He tucks his head against Eddie's shoulder, sighing when Eddie tips his head back in acknowledgment. 

Quietly, he asks, "You wanna talk about it?" As if they aren't the only ones here. As if the whole world has tuned in to this conversation and decided to make it their business.

Buck doesn't even know where to start. Or if he wants to for that matter. Just the reminder of it makes his stomach drop out. 

"My family _lied_ , Eddie." He can't keep his voice from breaking. Buck's throat goes tight and his eyes sting all over again. He hasn't hurt this badly in years. He hates that it's his parents at the root of things _again_. 

Eddie's hand slides overtop Buck's, the callous' of his fingers tracing over his knuckles. "That's not your fault, Buck. You know that, right? You're not responsible for mistakes that _they_ made. And you didn't do anything to deserve it, either." 

Buck can't stop the low whine that pushes past his lips. He tucks his face tighter against Eddie's back, but it does nothing to stop the sound. He holds onto Eddie tighter as his shoulders start to shake. 

Eddie doesn't make Buck face him, but instead picks up one of Buck's hands and pulls it up to his chest. He flattens his palm against Buck's hand, right over his heart. 

"You feel that? That's all yours. And Christopher's. Always has been. Nothing is going to change that, not for as long as I live." 

Buck cries harder and it doesn't phase Eddie in the slightest. He only picks up Buck's other hand and brings it to his mouth, leaving kisses on the back of his fingers and knuckles, a reminder that he isn't going anywhere. 

Later, once it doesn't hurt so much to think about, Buck will tell Eddie everything he knows now. How Maddie carried this secret with her for years and thought about telling him a thousand times but didn't know how. 

Buck will talk about how he always felt like something was missing from his family, but he always told himself that he was the one who didn't belong there because nothing else made sense. Then, he'll ask Eddie about the fire and what the hell happened, still confused about how he made it out alive. 

They'll sit around the apartment for hours, never sitting too far apart from each other. Buck will doze off on the couch, still bone-tired from all the excitement of the last week. Eddie will leave only to go get Christopher from school and come right back and Buck will try his hardest not to cry in front of the kid when he hugs him. 

Before night time comes again, Buck will pull Eddie aside and kiss him. One part because he wants to and the other part to thank him for being here. It's not the first time- not even close- but it's special all the same. 

"D'you feel better?" Eddie asks, concern slipping into his tone. 

Buck nods, snaking his arms around Eddie's shoulders and tucking his head into Eddie’s neck. "What'd you have to do to get us out of work today?" 

"Nothing. Bobby told both of us to sleep off the call for the foreseeable future. Besides, John has been asking to pick up shifts anyways. And I know I already asked you this last night- but are you going to be okay?" 

Buck meets Eddie's eyes, instantly getting lost in their dark brown hue- in awe of every part of him. His heart, especially.

"I've got you and Christopher here. How could I not be?"

**Author's Note:**

> Let it be known that the only note I made while writing this fic was: Boy is incoherent my dudes. 
> 
> Hey, thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. You can find me on tumblr as paranoidbean if you wanna talk fic/buddie/etc. Have a great day!


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